A time to let go..........
Chanda hai tu mera suraj hai tu.........
I held you in my arms my son and my heart filled with a joy that cannot be described in words. Every smile, every move of your tiny hands and feet,of your bright eyes ,of the way you would keep looking for me, and the two little deep dimples in your cheek,kept me spellbound .......
I took you to school. The first play school....You were crying inside the school..continuously ..and, I was doing the same...... outside .
I then took you to the second , and then the third, and finally put you in the school from where you passed your ICSE Exams.
I still remember the day I almost lost my mind with worry.....you were 2 hours behind your scheduled time reaching home. The rest of the children in your pool car had reached home.
I ran from home caught a cab and kept crying aloud while praying to all the Gods I knew of.
The cab driver ended up consoling me throughout the ride to your school, assuring me I will find you in school. And there you were . Tired and hungry,said your whole class had been kept back. I was so relieved to see you that I forgot to ask you what had happened.
You are your father's and my whole world...
You chose to become a C.A. and a C.S.....
I was happy...it meant you could do it from home....
I have always felt that you were the most understanding son ever...
I would disturb you in your studies at times calling you to come and watch a cartoon with me or a movie.. or something interesting.......
You would come ....... for me ... and then ask me "amma I am sure no other mom calls out to her son when he is studying....why do you do it....?"
I still don't have an answer......I probably did not want to enjoy whatever I was watching without you.
My son I fell seriously ill....and frightened you....
I came back......for you .
I could not imagine life without you.
I had been so selfish......I couldn't
I couldn't think of coming home from school knowing I wouldn't see your dimples...
I couldn't tell myself Suraj must go he has his own life to lead.......
I couldn't reconcile to the fact that my dependence on my son after recovering ....had to be rethought......
I couldn't ..... so many things.....
Then at last I knew that is exactly what I would have to do.....
I would have to go through all that I feared.....
The fear was for myself...
Your father is always there for me....with me ...supporting ..and understanding.....
I knew the time had come.....
We had given you unconditional love.....unquestioned support......independence to make mistakes....and to learn from them ......we tried to be what we wanted you to be....we prayed for you to be strong from within ......courage to face life with all its difficulties......and overcome them successfully.....
At last .....I let you go my son...
It was time for you to soar the skies alone ........
It was a time to let go..........
Chanda hai tu mera suraj hai tu.........
I held you in my arms my son and my heart filled with a joy that cannot be described in words. Every smile, every move of your tiny hands and feet,of your bright eyes ,of the way you would keep looking for me, and the two little deep dimples in your cheek,kept me spellbound .......
I took you to school. The first play school....You were crying inside the school..continuously ..and, I was doing the same...... outside .
I then took you to the second , and then the third, and finally put you in the school from where you passed your ICSE Exams.
I still remember the day I almost lost my mind with worry.....you were 2 hours behind your scheduled time reaching home. The rest of the children in your pool car had reached home.
I ran from home caught a cab and kept crying aloud while praying to all the Gods I knew of.
The cab driver ended up consoling me throughout the ride to your school, assuring me I will find you in school. And there you were . Tired and hungry,said your whole class had been kept back. I was so relieved to see you that I forgot to ask you what had happened.
You are your father's and my whole world...
You chose to become a C.A. and a C.S.....
I was happy...it meant you could do it from home....
I have always felt that you were the most understanding son ever...
I would disturb you in your studies at times calling you to come and watch a cartoon with me or a movie.. or something interesting.......
You would come ....... for me ... and then ask me "amma I am sure no other mom calls out to her son when he is studying....why do you do it....?"
I still don't have an answer......I probably did not want to enjoy whatever I was watching without you.
My son I fell seriously ill....and frightened you....
I came back......for you .
I could not imagine life without you.
I had been so selfish......I couldn't
I couldn't think of coming home from school knowing I wouldn't see your dimples...
I couldn't tell myself Suraj must go he has his own life to lead.......
I couldn't reconcile to the fact that my dependence on my son after recovering ....had to be rethought......
I couldn't ..... so many things.....
Then at last I knew that is exactly what I would have to do.....
I would have to go through all that I feared.....
The fear was for myself...
Your father is always there for me....with me ...supporting ..and understanding.....
I knew the time had come.....
We had given you unconditional love.....unquestioned support......independence to make mistakes....and to learn from them ......we tried to be what we wanted you to be....we prayed for you to be strong from within ......courage to face life with all its difficulties......and overcome them successfully.....
At last .....I let you go my son...
It was time for you to soar the skies alone ........
It was a time to let go..........
Ramjoos, i cried. It is so easy to say "I let you go" because it is the proper thing to do but do we ever let our love go without feeling the pain? We keep them more for ourselves than for them but yes, we let them their freedom for their betterment. And when it comes to Suraj he is an exceptional child.
ReplyDeleteyes didi i know it is difficult .for me it is more so because i never got the time to recover from my illness and then tell him "go beta". It was a constant fight for me. My mind said this is right and my heart asked is it alright?.. I am glad I was brave and did not think of myself alone..it would have broken his heart and I would never have been able to forgive myself .Dont u see that is why it has taken such a long time for me to write about it...? thank u Anu read it and said I made her cry too .
DeleteAmma...I love u sooo much...you saw what happened after I read it :-):-) I will never ever leave you ma!! :-):-)
ReplyDeletei love you my son.....
DeleteNice read. I imagine and write on many weired subjects, but this is outpouring from the innermost core of the heart. Don't stop writing...ever!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much. I will try to continue to write.
ReplyDeleteDon't know whether my comment disappeared. But I did say that you write well, and that you should continue writing as often as you can. These outpourings from deep within are so honest. Nice.
ReplyDeleteThanks Naresh
DeleteI really am happy that you think I write well. Coming from such a good writer is praise indeed.