A time to let go..........

Chanda hai tu mera suraj hai tu.........



I held you in my arms my son and my heart filled with a joy that cannot be described in words. Every smile, every move of your tiny hands and feet,of your bright eyes ,of the way you would keep looking for me, and the two little deep dimples in your cheek,kept me spellbound .......

I took you to school. The first play school....You were crying inside the school..continuously ..and, I was doing the same...... outside .
I then took you to the second , and then the third, and finally put you in the school from where you passed your ICSE Exams. 

I still remember the day I almost lost my mind with worry.....you were  2 hours behind your scheduled time reaching home. The rest of the children in your pool car  had reached home.
I ran from home caught a cab and kept crying aloud while praying to all the Gods I knew of. 
The cab driver ended up consoling me throughout the ride to your school, assuring me I will find you in school. And there you were . Tired and hungry,said your whole class had been kept back. I was so relieved to see you that I forgot to ask you what had happened.

You are your father's and my whole world...
You chose to become a C.A. and a C.S.....
I was happy...it meant you could do it from home....
I have always felt that you were the most understanding son ever...
I would disturb you in your studies at times calling you to come and watch a cartoon with me or a movie.. or something interesting.......
You would come ....... for me ... and then ask me "amma I am sure no other mom calls out to her son when he is studying....why do you do it....?"
I still don't have an answer......I probably did not want to enjoy whatever I was watching without you.

My son I fell seriously ill....and frightened you....
I came back......for you .
 I could not imagine life without you.
I had been so selfish......I couldn't 
I couldn't think of coming home from school knowing I wouldn't see your dimples...
I couldn't tell myself  Suraj must go he has his own life to lead.......
I couldn't reconcile to the fact that my dependence on my son after recovering ....had to be rethought......

I couldn't ..... so many things.....
Then at last I knew that is exactly what I would have to do.....
I would have to go through all that I feared.....
The fear was for myself...
Your father is always there for me....with me ...supporting ..and understanding.....
I knew the time had come.....
We had given you unconditional love.....unquestioned support......independence to make  mistakes....and to learn from them ......we tried to be what we wanted you to be....we prayed for you to be strong from within ......courage to face life with all its difficulties......and overcome them successfully.....
At last .....I let you go my son...
It was time for you to soar the skies alone ........
It was a time to let go..........

AMMA

I miss you amma.......

when I go back to my school days. I've just returned home and I can hear you calling out to me...''tomato jam is ready run and get bread for your tiffin........''

...when I'm getting ready to go to sleep...you are tired after a whole day of hard work.... cooking for our family of eight and you tell me 'Rama get Saibol for my feet, they are burning..........''

...when each time I look at my son and I know how much you loved us all.How did you manage to love us all so lavishly ma?

....when I feel tired after being in the kitchen for an hour or so.........how did  you manage to feed us with delicious food served with huge dollops of love....most days to our friends too without complaining even once?

.....when at times I think of  the many times I must have hurt you........have you forgiven me amma for all the times I did ?

.....when I come home after a long day in school. I miss your ''O poor dear sit I'll get you a cup of tea.''

.....when I return home and you are not there to complain to me about the maid ''Do you know how rude she was to me today?''

....when we were going through tough times and my husband told us ''Think of your mother and father they were so brave .''

I wish I had come to see you  in the morning on the day you left us all........suddenly......... good for you
 bad for us.

I miss you amma.

Be with me always.Be with us your  children and grandchildren .You with Appa.


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