Everyday while returning from school I am struck by the way in which the rays of the sun creates magic. 

Rays on the water of the lakes......a dim sheen on the surface of water...I see it from a distance as the car speeds over the flyover and the bridge over the lakes.

Rays on the tarred roads....... a shining surface , the rays bounce off the surface sometimes blinding us with its glare.

Rays falling on the silky hair of a young girl....a wonderful sight...seeing a shampoo ad live...

Rays on the eyes of a child looking up at his mother......eyes crinkling filled with  mischief ...shining with pure love.....

Rays on the torn clothes of a beggar.....the holes in his clothes look enlarged ...and my guilt gets magnified.

Rays on the ear ring of a small girl.......making it shine like a diamond.

Rays on the gold bangle of a woman......looks like molten gold.

Rays on the leaves of the trees......the leaves flutter in the breeze playing with the rays...it's a game of hide and seek.

Rays on the face of an old man ....they seem to fill up the wrinkles on his face with more warmth.

Rays on the shining coat of a golden retriever.....makes me want to run my hands through it.

Rays on the happy faces of home going school children....looking happy to run away from studies.

Rays on the shining cars.....makes me wonder how there were so many new cars in this city where we had only Ambassadors....at one point of time.

Rays on the water dripping from the hands of a mason...makes me think ..is it water or sweat ..running like water ?

Rays of the setting sun on the top of the buildings ......they magically transform all the cracks ...peeling paint ... the exposed bricks .... into one whole beautiful painting with slashes of crimson and gold with generous brushes of grey and pink.. God's way of reminding us that He is the true painter of our lives.

A time to let go..........

Chanda hai tu mera suraj hai tu.........



I held you in my arms my son and my heart filled with a joy that cannot be described in words. Every smile, every move of your tiny hands and feet,of your bright eyes ,of the way you would keep looking for me, and the two little deep dimples in your cheek,kept me spellbound .......

I took you to school. The first play school....You were crying inside the school..continuously ..and, I was doing the same...... outside .
I then took you to the second , and then the third, and finally put you in the school from where you passed your ICSE Exams. 

I still remember the day I almost lost my mind with worry.....you were  2 hours behind your scheduled time reaching home. The rest of the children in your pool car  had reached home.
I ran from home caught a cab and kept crying aloud while praying to all the Gods I knew of. 
The cab driver ended up consoling me throughout the ride to your school, assuring me I will find you in school. And there you were . Tired and hungry,said your whole class had been kept back. I was so relieved to see you that I forgot to ask you what had happened.

You are your father's and my whole world...
You chose to become a C.A. and a C.S.....
I was happy...it meant you could do it from home....
I have always felt that you were the most understanding son ever...
I would disturb you in your studies at times calling you to come and watch a cartoon with me or a movie.. or something interesting.......
You would come ....... for me ... and then ask me "amma I am sure no other mom calls out to her son when he is studying....why do you do it....?"
I still don't have an answer......I probably did not want to enjoy whatever I was watching without you.

My son I fell seriously ill....and frightened you....
I came back......for you .
 I could not imagine life without you.
I had been so selfish......I couldn't 
I couldn't think of coming home from school knowing I wouldn't see your dimples...
I couldn't tell myself  Suraj must go he has his own life to lead.......
I couldn't reconcile to the fact that my dependence on my son after recovering ....had to be rethought......

I couldn't ..... so many things.....
Then at last I knew that is exactly what I would have to do.....
I would have to go through all that I feared.....
The fear was for myself...
Your father is always there for me....with me ...supporting ..and understanding.....
I knew the time had come.....
We had given you unconditional love.....unquestioned support......independence to make  mistakes....and to learn from them ......we tried to be what we wanted you to be....we prayed for you to be strong from within ......courage to face life with all its difficulties......and overcome them successfully.....
At last .....I let you go my son...
It was time for you to soar the skies alone ........
It was a time to let go..........

AMMA

I miss you amma.......

when I go back to my school days. I've just returned home and I can hear you calling out to me...''tomato jam is ready run and get bread for your tiffin........''

...when I'm getting ready to go to sleep...you are tired after a whole day of hard work.... cooking for our family of eight and you tell me 'Rama get Saibol for my feet, they are burning..........''

...when each time I look at my son and I know how much you loved us all.How did you manage to love us all so lavishly ma?

....when I feel tired after being in the kitchen for an hour or so.........how did  you manage to feed us with delicious food served with huge dollops of love....most days to our friends too without complaining even once?

.....when at times I think of  the many times I must have hurt you........have you forgiven me amma for all the times I did ?

.....when I come home after a long day in school. I miss your ''O poor dear sit I'll get you a cup of tea.''

.....when I return home and you are not there to complain to me about the maid ''Do you know how rude she was to me today?''

....when we were going through tough times and my husband told us ''Think of your mother and father they were so brave .''

I wish I had come to see you  in the morning on the day you left us all........suddenly......... good for you
 bad for us.

I miss you amma.

Be with me always.Be with us your  children and grandchildren .You with Appa.


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